The Cheekiad
by Alicia08
Summary: Ever read the "Iliad"? Know the tale of "Helen of Troy"? Well, replace Helen with Spike in this parody.


**THE CHEEKIAD!**

**Note**: First, if you're extremely sensitive when it comes to Spuffy andorSpike and any ridicule of his character, then turn and walk away now. Actually, run! You've been warned. On the other hand, if you can find the humor, then come on in.

**Note 2**: Now, this little diddy came about while watching "Troy". You know, the movie with the very lickable Brad Pitt and the even slurp worthier Eric Bana. Oh and lets not forget about Orlando Bloom. Ok, is it just me or did it just get really hot in here. Them three were really buff for that movie and don't even get me started on the butt shot of Brad. Yowza! Moving on from the really hot male specimen, so like I was saying, I was watching that movie and its content was taken from the Illiad. So it got my creative juices a flowing and it dawned on me. Helen, Spike. Helen, Spike! I see a similarity. Check it out!

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Can all Spike haters, lovers, likers, dislikers, those indifferent, please gather around. Come on... closer now. Ok, get comfy cause I've got a story to tell. A story about an apple and a cheek! Now, this cheek belongs to a platinum haired fella called Spike. For years, people from afar have been in awe of his cheekbones. Words...those of books and those of poems have become apart of our history, written during a far away time, salvaged and kept safe throughout the years. In these books we find stories and epic tales of bravery and of love. Of death and of life. But most importantly, of cheekbones! Mind you, not your ordinary cheekbone. No sir ree. Only a special and extraordinary kind of cheekbone would be etched in writing for all to relive time and time again. A cheekbone that can be sucked in like no other. A cheekbone that melts hearts, far and wide. A cheekbone that is the essence of everything right in the world. A cheekbone that has the ability to spread delusion-itis across the globe. Africa, China, The Netherlands… it has no boundaries.

Now I'm gonna tell you that story, so listen...

As it was written in the Cheekiad, a sexy, sweeping tale filled with dumpster sex and grand Palaces named "DoubleMeat", sassy humor and shirtless-ness, evil nerd trios and vividly imagined domestic beatings-- Spike with the soooouuuul of a God, fought bravely for the right to be crowned the 'cheekster of bones'

So listen carefully as I tell this story...

Well, as it goes, see... Thetis, nickname Skip and Peleus, nickname Jasmine, parents of Conner (Prince of Quortoth) had a wedding and they invited all the Gods and Goddesses except one, who is known as Eris, also goes by Holtz-y. Well-- see, Eris got pe-od and wanted revenge (how dare they not invite her to their wedding. Damn them all to hell), so she snuck up to the entrance to the wedding hall and threw an apple inside that read…

"To the cheeki-est cheekbones of all"

... Well, obviously Spike claimed the apple to be his as did Angel, the champion of the Kingdom known as "Broodom", and Wes, the bitch of a gorgeous princess, named Fred. Now don't feel shame for Wes for he enjoyed his title of bitch, for he was madly in love with Fred and would do as she wished even if it put his manhood in question. The three quarreled about the apples rightful owner until Saint Cordy (the higher being of all higher beings) stepped in. Now Saint Cordy suggested that the three go up to Mount Ida and speak to Buffy, for she is a good judge on the cheekyness of cheekbones.

Well, as the story goes, Saint Cordy had her servant Hermes the Groosaloug, take the three claimers of the apple up to Mount Ida to see this Buffy person. Now, Buffy was very indecisive when she met the three, so as an incentive for Buffy to choose them, they each offered her something to wet her appetite.

Now, Wes, being the brain that he is, offered Buffy wisdom. All the wisdom in the world. Told her that she would ace all her exams from now on. Angel, being the romantic that he is, offered her his undying love and promised never to leave her even if it was for her own good. Now Spike... he offered her sex. That's it. Rough, up against a tree, next to a dumpster, in an abandon building as it falls down around you, from the back grinding away on top of a balcony, kinda kinky sex.

Now Buffy mulled over this in her head, and well, common sense to us and ya know... the world, is crap to others cough Spuffers cough and seeing as how this book known as the "Cheekiad" was written by some sex crazed, youth reliving older person named Marti, Buffy chose the sex over the love and the wisdom. Yep, that's right... she chose Spike, the cheekiest of all the cheekbones in the land. And as it goes, Spike extended a hand out towards his beloved right there on Mount Ida with everyone looking on. She took it in her own with an air of superiority, walking ever so seductively into his arms. Wrapping his arms around her slender waist, he leant forward and whispered in her ear "You belong in the darkness with me".

_**THE END**_!

By the by... Buffy's decision was the cause of a 10 year War, the deaths of millions of Greeks and Trojans and the ruination of a show to take place many years in the future during it's 6th season. I think it had something to do with vampires and the lot.

Now, if there is a lesson to be learned from this tale, it's that Spike love leads to pain and ghastly and horrendous outcomes, hence should be avoided at all cost.


End file.
